Site News: Our Top 10 Superhero Movies

With the release of The Avengers only days away, and summer’s big blockbusters of The Amazing Spiderman and The Dark Knight Rises not too far in the distance, we thought we’d come up with our top 10 superhero movies, strictly based on comic book characters (sorry Meteor Man).  So here we go…

10. Kick-Ass – While not as well-known and mainstream as Marvel’s and DC’s big superheroes, Kick-Ass was the everyday guy trying to make a difference.  Thanks to reconstructive surgery that dulled his pain senses, Kick-Ass could take a licking and keep on ticking.  Plus it’s just a fun movie to watch!

9. Blade – The Tomb of Dracula hero and occasional Spiderman side-kick got his own movie, which was a gamble at the time.  Wesley Snipes turned a character that few people knew about into a cash cow, with two sequels and an awful short-lived TV show.  While not as groundbreaking as the films that came before it, most people will agree that it’s a pretty good flick.

 8. The Watchmen – Before you get all mad about how this movie sucked, we will agree with you right now: it was far from perfect.  Making a single movie from Allen Moore’s best-selling graphic novel might have been a little too ambitious, but if you read the book, you know that they probably did the best that they could.  If you didn’t read the book, you probably felt lost the entire time, and that is very understandable.  For what it was, we think it was pretty good, plus the opening title sequence might be one of film’s best ever.

7. X-Men – The first X-Men movie really paved the way for the modern superhero flick, and wasn’t too bad of a film in itself.  It brought nerd culture front and center; and now it was alright to like comic book related stuff.  It made Hugh Jackman a star and cemented him in the role of Wolverine for a decade and a half.

6. Superman (1978) – Richard Donner’s movie pretty much broke the seal for all comic book movies that came later. It showed that a movie based on a comic book could be good, but also profitable.  Christopher Reeves as the Man of Steel, while sort of cheesy today, was a huge success when it came out, spawning three sequels.  And Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor might be one of the best movie villains.

5. X-Men: First Class – This movie revived a franchise that was loosing steam after the not great third movie and an awful Wolverine solo flick. First Class showed us how the whole thing started and we got to see some of our favorite mutants on-screen for the first time.  The standout of this movie has got to be Michael Fasbender as a young Magneto, his performance stands out even among some other really great ones.

4. Spiderman 2 – While the first one is great, it suffers from the typical first superhero movie issue: the lengthy origin story. Spidey 2 gets right into the thick of things as the web head battles Dr. Octopus and reveals his true identity to Mary Jane.  This summer’s reboot looks like it goes in a different direction as Peter Parker has a love interest and abilities more like in the first few years of the comic.

3. Batman – At the time no one thought that Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne/ Batman was going to work, as he was mostly a comedic actor, but it was a good fit with director Tim Burton.  The is was totally different Batman than most people were used to, since the general public only had the campy 60’s TV show for reference.  This movie was dark and gritty.  Jack Nicholson’s Joker is still a memorable villain to this day, mixing his performance somewhere between the cheesy Caesar Romero Joker from the show, and the phsyco killer from the comics of the mid 80’s.

2. Iron Man – Robert Downey Jr. makes this movie, plan and simple.  Without him as Tony Stark, this movie is average at best.  Marvel owes any success they have at any of the avengers related movies to him. The success of Thor and Captain America is directly related to how good Iron Man was: getting the general public to see a ‘not as well know superhero’ movie started with this one.

1. The Dark Knight – Was there any doubt that this would be #1?  It was clear within the first 2 minutes that Heath Ledger’s Joker was on screen, that this movie was going to be different; not just different, but great.  It has everything you could want in a movie, and you left the theatre thinking this might be the best movie you’ve ever seen.  Let’s hope The Dark Knight Rises is at least half as good as this one.

What did we miss? Leave us a comment and let us know.

Fantastic Four on the Cheap!

The Fantastic Four (1994)

This is NOT the 2005 movie that had an actual budget and real-life actors.  This movie is a glorified test-shot.  The studio was about to lose the rights to the characters unless they made a movie.  So they looked through their couch cushions and used that scratch to make this flick.

Reed Richards and his buddy Victor are trying to assemble some thingamajig that shoots cartoon lightning around and aparently harnesses the power of a comet, when something goes wrong. Shit just starts blowing up with no real explanation, and Reed chickens out and manages to escape, but Victor was “Doomed”  as he is electrocuted and crushed by rubble.  A few years later Reed gathers up the kids (Johnny and Sue Storm) from the boarding house he used to stay in, and with his best pal Ben, they get ready to fly a rocket into the tail of a comet to capture its power again. The bad thing is the gigantic diamond that they are going to used to channel the energy, is stolen by a dwarf called The Jeweler, who is a poor man’s Moleman. Confused yet? It’s okay, because the evil dwarf left a fake in its place, so the “Fantastic Four” don’t notice any difference and continue with their mission.  So as you can imagine, when they get up into the tail of a comet things again go horribly wrong, so the ship crashes back to Earth and as they walk away from the wreckage they discover that the group now has fantastic powers; Reed can stretch one arm, in a very specific way, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can spontaneously burst into cartoon flames, and Ben has been transformed into a foamy orange ninja turtle.

Ben’s new girlfriend is kidnapped by Victor, who is now clad in armor and calling himself Dr. Doom.  He gains possession of the real diamond and aims to use it to steal the Fantastic Four’s powers for himself.  He has also made some sort of laser and wants to blow up New York for some reason.  As the team breaks in to Doom’s lair, they proceed to walk directly under the thing Doom was going to use to steal their power.  Now the’re trapped by some force field and it is sucking the life out of them, or is it.  Apparently no one tried to escape as Reed just sticks his leg out and it goes all stretchy and wonky and knocks over the machine that is ‘holding’ them in place.  As Dr. Doom’s henchmen proceed to get they asses handed to them, and The Thing shouts ‘It’s clobberin’ time!” for about the 15th time, Doom fires the laser and escapes.  After the Four are done with Doom’s lackys, Reed goes after Victor to find that he has gotten about 4 feet past the door he walked through 5 minutes ago.  Reed strechy-arm-punches him a few times as Doom speaks unintelligibly through his mask with no microphone in it or no voice-over.  He probably says something about getting revenge, but we’ll never know as he then falls off a cliff.  Johnny somehow races the laser to NYC and stops it with fire or some shit, who knows by this point.  All is well with the world as Reed and Susan get married, and the credits start to roll on this piece of trash.

Alex’s Thoughts: There is a reason that this movie was never released, and most people involved will deny its existence – it is a total shitfest.  The 80’s and early 90’s were full of some awful comic book movies, and looking at this you are shocked to think it came out in 1994, when the effects make it look like it was made in 1984.  There really isn’t too much good to say about this movie. Dr. Doom’s outfit looked more in-line with his comic appearance than the 2005 movie… and that is about it.  Awful acting, horrible practical and special effects and just a confusing story.  I realize they didn’t have much of a budget, and did what they could, but it was a failed attempt none the less.  It’s funny, because the 2005 version is awful as well, and that movie cost 60 times as much to make ($1.5 million vs $100 million) and is probably only 2 times as good.  The franchise has not had good luck in film – all of them are bad, and don’t get the fanboy in me going about how they turned Galactus into that cloud. NERD RAGE!  They are already rebooting this mess for a new 2013 movie.  Let’s hope it is better than all previous horrid tries.  If you are a hardcore comic book fan, you have probably already seen this, and hated yourself for it; if you didn’t even know this movie existed just forget that we even mentioned it.  Alex Rates This Movie 1/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Compared to the “Official” version of the Fantastic Four, this is leaps and bounds better. While the effects are crap, the story is crap, and budget is nonexistent, this has all the charm of a Roger Corman cheapie. That doesn’t make this a good movie, but for me it made it a fun movie to watch. The studio cranked out this movie only to fill an obligation to hold onto the rights for a few more years, and that was probably for the best, because if they had put forth real effort this would have been just as crappy but without the charm. This seems to be a doomed franchise, but who knows, if you can get the right writer even “B” list Marvel heroes can become stars, (see Iron Man). For me this was a fun movie to watch, and despite how awful it was, I really enjoyed the camp, and horrible effects. Not a good time, but it was a Fun time, so if you like finding the obscure stuff, and revel in Cormanesque budgets, then you will enjoy this. If you need good effects, acting, and directing, pass on the FF, not just this movie, but all of them. Tim Rates This Movie:8/10

View the IMDB entry for this movie here

You’re In The Zone

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Frank Castle is the Punisher, he punishes criminals that the Law won’t, or can’t. Did we mention he doesn’t discriminate either? Yep, old ladies and old men are not untouchable here. The problem is one mobster in particular (Jigsaw) doesn’t appreciate all of Frank’s hard work, and after surviving an attack that not only ended in the death of and undercover police officer, but also in the maiming of our villain, he decides he wants revenge. This doesn’t jive with Mr. Castle, who is so devastated by the death of an innocent by his hand, that he’s decided to retire. Jigsaw not being dissuaded from his plans decides to threaten the family of the deceased agent, and lure ol’ Frankie out, and as you can imagine mayhem ensues.

Alex’s Thoughts: While this is better than that Dolph Lundgren piece of shit from the 80’s, I still like the Tom Jane version better.  I know he didn’t really reflect the ‘fuck everyone’ ideals of Frank Castle, but it was a better movie in my opinion.  The Punisher is a bit of an odd hero, since he kills people; and other heroes in the Marvel Universe think he is a vigilante, so the character is hard to pin down.  I have never been much of a fan of the comic, as a ‘superhero’ with no super powers is sort of lame in my book.  The movie itself is tolerable, but is way down on my list of comic book movies I would want to watch again.  Alex Rates This Movie 5/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Like watching old ladies getting killed violently along with all the other mobsters?  Then this is the movie for you! Despite Jigsaw being waaay over the top (Sly Stallone) it fits along with the rest of the mood. The violence is insane and nonstop, and that’s what a Punisher movie should be. So Buckle up and enjoy, and if you don’t like gratuitous violence, then skip it dummy, it’s called Punisher: Warzone for a reason! Tim Rates This Movie: 9/10

“Sometimes I would like to get my hands on God.”

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Judge For Yourself

Judge Dredd (1995)

In the future, the United States is a barren wasteland, much like a present day K-Mart.  The world’s population has been herded into several huge mega cities, but with all of those peeps in one spot, crime was running rampant and it caused the judicial system to collapse.  A new form of law was established, where judges would be on the street dispensing justice without the need of a courtroom; they were the judge, jury and executioner if need be.  The best of these Judges was the roid’ed out Judge Dredd (Sly Stallone), who was a strict ‘I’ll kick your ass by the book’ type of dude.  While judging some assholes trying to start a block war, he finds newly paroled hacker Rob Schneider hiding in a robot, and sends his butt back to the clink.  As Dredd is blowing up a dude’s car for a DUI, he is arrested for the murder of a reporter; which is funny, because he hasn’t killed a reporter lately.  He gets the luxury of a trial, but is convicted on DNA evidence.  Despite his protests, he is sent off to prison as well.  Wouldn’t you know it, he is stuck next to Rob Schneider on the way to the joint, but their ship is shot down shortly after take off.  They return to the city to try to clear up Dredd’s name, but find the city in chaos with many judges have been murdered by Dredd’s former best friend Rico, who it turns out is his genetic clone (despite the fact that they look nothing alike).  Dredd must stop Rico and his cohort’s plan for an army of super judges who want to bring martial law to the city.

Alex’s Thoughts:  I really dig the first half of this movie, actually more that I should admit.  I still think it’s good and has held its own over time. But once Dredd is sent packing, it’s starts to get a little wonky and a little too full of itself.  The whole cloning thing kind of puts me off, and is just kind of silly.  This is an action movie, you don’t need this deep psychological conflict; just blow shit up! I enjoy the design if this movie a lot (sets, costumes, etc.), and it will hold me attention every time on that alone, but the story does need some work.  Here’s hoping that the re-boot movie coming out next year keeps the good stuff, and gets rid of the crap.  I’m talking to you, Rob Schneider!  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Ugh, this movie should be darker, less cheeky, and more violent. While I have only limited exposure to the comic book, it doesn’t take much to see that this movie is far inferior. If you want a funny action packed Sly Stallone movie from this era, then watch Demolition Man. Now that’s a good movie, (for what it is) and the goofiness fits in there. Skip Judge Dredd, and wait for the reboot, this came out at a time when there was a whole lot of Stallone, and not a lot of good movies to go with it. Sorry kiddos. Tim Rates This Movie 4/10

“It’s a lie! The evidence has been falsified! It’s impossible! I never broke the law, I AM THE LAW!”

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That’s Just Ducky

Howard the Duck (1986)

After a long day of work, Howard just wants to come home and relax.  He’s just your average everyday working stiff, except that he is a duck.  He lives on a distant planet that parallels Earth, and instead of primates evolving into the dominate species, ducks did.  As he cracks open a beer, he and his recliner are sucked out of his apartment and into space; eventually crashing into a seedy alley in Cleveland.  He ends up rescuing a girl from a couple thugs and she then invites him to stay at her place after hearing his sad story.  He just want to get back to Duckburg, so she takes his to see a scientist friend of hers who treats him like a freak, and he gets all shitty and leaves.   Howard heads out to live on his own, but it turns out that the mean streets of Cleveland are no place for a three-foot duck man.  He comes back to his lady friend and just as they are about to commence with the inter-species erotica, the scientist guy and his scientist friends walk in with a way to send Howard back to his planet.  A failed test occurs and ends up bringing another space creature to Earth which possesses the body of the scientist Jennings.  Jennings kidnaps the babe and aims to bring down more of these evil space creatures called the Dark Overlords of the Galaxy to destroy Earth.  Howard and the scientist friend must find a way to destroy the evil creature before the girl is killed and the planet decimated by vagina lobster monsters.  They save the day and end the movie with a hair band rock-out in true 80’s fashion while the theme song plays for a full eight minutes!

Alex’s Thoughts:  While still pretty bad, it wasn’t as bad as I remember it, so take that as you will.   How do you criticize a movie about a talking duck from outer space?  I guess you could start by saying that this is the spot where George Lucas officially lost his mojo.  The movie itself is probably entertaining for boys ages 8-11, but that is about it.  The acting is pretty bad, with a few brief exceptions from child-diddiling Jeffery Jones who gets to act crazy for half the movie, but even that starts to get old.  For the time, the effects were pretty good, but look quite awful now; and four million bucks for that duck suit!? Fuck me running! That is a lot of scratch for something that is far from perfect.  Oh and incase you were wondering, the naked female ducks do have boobs which include bright pink nipples. I’m not quite sure why birds need nipples, and any third-grader can tell you that is complete bullshit; but what do you expect from a completely insane movie.  Alex Rates This Movie 5/10

Tim’s Thoughts:  This movie is great, not in itself necessarily, but it helped Lucas who was 50 million dollars in debt at the time sell off his CGI animation division, and it grew and flourished into Pixar! So everyone should be kissing Howard’s little feathered butt. If it weren’t for his wise-quaking, we would have no Toy Story, so this movie is okay by me, as long has I don’t have to watch it.  Maybe every once in a great while. Thanks Howard!! Tim Rates This Movie 6/10

“Desperate ducks commit desperate acts!”

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The Men of Mystery

Mystery Men (1999)

A trio of superheros keep the streets of Champion City safe, at least they like to think they help.  The city’s true hero, Captain Amazing, has become bored fighting petty criminals now that all the super-villians are locked up.  He arranges to have his arch nemesis, Casanova Frankenstein, released from the loony bin so that he has something fun to do.  The ‘wanna bes’ want to help, so Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller), The Shoveler (William H. Macy) & The Blue Raja (Hank Azaria) are on the case.  Amazing is captured and it is now up to our “heroes” to stop Frankenstein from destroying the city.  After getting their ass kicked, they realize that they are going to need some help, so they gather up some new recruits – the fart-blasting Spleen (Paul Rubens), the possibly invisible Invisible Boy (the other kid from Good Burger) & the skull ball hurling Bowler (Janeane Garofalo).  With the help of the mystic Sphinx, they learn to work together to defeat evil!

Alex’s Thoughts:  Is there a movie out there with a better cast?  I think it might be hard to find one.  Everyone in this movie was great with the exception of the Sphinx (who I swear is Edward James Olmos every time I watch this), and everyone’s comedic timing is near perfect.  The story is ho-hum, but the superheros make it what it is.  It is an enjoyable flick for probably anyone, and you don’t need to like superhero movies or comic books to enjoy this.  I also need to step in and say that Hank Azaria is a great actor and not just one of the best voice actors out there.  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I loved this movie when it first came out, and now I think I just really like it. Not quite timeless as it feels very much a product of it’s era. Still a lot of fun, and some great performances from everyone, but really what do you expect with that cast? Keep your eyes peeled for a Dane Cook cameo (before he was famous) and let’s be honest, it has Tom Waits, that is usually enough for me. Tim Rates This Movie 7/10

“We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.”

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They Were Not The Winners

The Losers (2010)

We see right away that Clay’s group of special forces operatives are not Seal Team 6, they are soldiers in the loosest sense of the word.  As they are hanging out in a South American  jungle painting a target on a drug lord’s estate for an air strike, they notice that there are a bunch of kids there; who are being used as mules.  Although the bombs are dropping in a few minutes, they rush in and save the kids, evacuating to a waiting helicopter.  They load all the kids into da choppa, only to see it shot down by their government, because the brass thought they were on board.  They fake their deaths and are presumed dead for months.  Clay then meets a hot little number who shares some common ground with him, they are both after the man who ordered the attack on the compound.  As the team gets back together and ready to kick ass, a new threat emerges, the guy they are after has a nuke and wants to blow up LA.  Can The Losers stop this mad man, or are they too preoccupied betting on little girl’s soccer games to save the day.

Alex’s Thoughts:  The Losers is one of those movies where 5 minutes into it, you know exactly what you’re going to get: it may not be a great movie, but it will be fun to watch.  It splits its time between a big budget action movie and a buddy comedy, for every big explosion there is a big laugh.  Most of this comes from Chris Evans, but there is also a lot of situational humor.  This is the definition of a guy’s movie, so if you’re reading this, and you have a dong, you would probably get a kick out of this movie.  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I really liked this movie, and knew I would right away. There’s nothing flashy, or really unique about it, but it knows what it is, and doesn’t try to be anything else. Not as wonky as Shoot ’em Up, but just as fun. No surprises, and the plot twists are fairly predictable, but I still had a blast watching it, and Chris Evans is easily my favorite part. Tim Rates This Movie 7/10

“Oh my God, I’m the black MacGyver…. BlaGyver!”

 

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This is Proof Nick Cage Sold His Soul

Ghost Rider (2007) 

Barton Blaze and his son, Johnny make up the amazing carnival stunt show that is this movie, ….um wait I mean well you know what I mean. Johnny is often sidetracked from his awesome carnie career, as he has got the hots for a chick named Roxy, and they plan on running off together.  they are all se to split town, but when Johnny gets home he finds a letter from his Dad’s doctor informing him that he’s dying of cancer.  So young Blaze does what every young motorcycle punk would do, go out to the garage and work on his bike.  The next thing you know Mephistopheles/Mephisto/Ol’ Scratch shows up out of nowhere and offers Johnny a deal: he will cure Barton’s cancer, and all Johnny has to do is sign over his soul for a favor to be named later.  Simple right?  What could possibly go wrong?  We’re sure nothing bad would happen, like Daddy dying in a flaming motorcycle accident, oh wait, that’s exactly what happened.  Fast forward many years, and Johnny Blaze has ditched Foxy Roxy and is now a world-renowned stunt cyclist, did we mention he can’t die?  Nope, no matter how hard he tries he, and his wig, are impervious to death, or reality.  Elsewhere in movie B, the son of the devil, Blackheart hits a Hell’s Angels bar and kills everyone in it, not to worry, he was looking for a couple of demons whose powers seemed to be based in the elements.  He is looking for a contract containing the most evil souls in the world, well in the world of the old west, somewhere in the 1860’s or so.  Anyways we are sure you will all be surprised to learn that the devil is not to happy about this, so he pops in on old Johnny Blaze, and sets him on fire. Well sort of, he turns him into the Ghost Rider, the devil’s personal bounty hunter. Ghost Rider then goes on a tear through town wrecking all kinds of shit till he gets to where Blackheart and his elemental cronies are harassing a  junkyard lot attendant about the location of a cemetery that is said to contain this contract. Bummer for them not only has the cemetery been moved, but now Ghost Rider is here to raise some Hell (sorry I couldn’t resist.) They fight, and eventually get away, leaving our hero to ride home along a defeated, oh wait, what do we have here, a mugger, well, well, well,I guess ol’ Ghosty  get’s to kick someone’s ass after all. So he gives the poor bastard the penitent stare, making him feel the suffering of all his victims.

Men on Film would like to interject at this point to apologize, if this review seems long, that’s because this movie is over 2 hours long, and that’s about one hour and forty-five minutes too much. To be honest lets just all admit that there’s only about fifteen minutes of usable footage. So let’s just skip ahead, because if you rented this you would do the same.

So then Johnny Blaze turns down the Devil’s offer to no longer be Ghost Rider and vows to spend his days undoing the Devil’s hard work.

Alex’s Thoughts:  You know how most comic book movies are hit or miss?  This was one of those misses. Big fucking time!  Ghost Rider is a bottom tier superhero to start with, and not really all that popular, so to think he could carry a movie on his own is wishful thinking.  If Marvel was desperate to tell the story of Ghost Rider, they would have been better off to do it in an animated one hour straight to DVD version.  This movie is way too long; and not just long, but really bad to boot.  Nic Cage did the best with what he had, but what he had was an awful plot and some pretty poor CGI.  As a villain in the comics Blackhart looks like an evil sea urchin, in this movie he looks like a Hot Topic’s runway model, the other villains were worse yet.  There is just so much wrong with this movie from the frequent contradictions in the plot, to Johnny Blaze sounding like a complete dufus when he is Ghost Rider.  The first time he turns, he all of a sudden knows all the tricks; this movie lacks the training montage that makes most super hero movies fun and relatable.  Then.. wait. I’m done with this, I could go on forever on this one.  Marvel fucked up with this one.  It’s ok, it happens.  But why the fuck are they making a sequel!?  Alex Rates This Movie 3/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Well what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Not much, this movie isn’t great, Nick Cage wasn’t the best choice, and while not nearly as bad as either Fantastic Four movie, it’s still bad. Drive Angry is better and a lot more fun. I hate to admit this, but with the Crank 2 guys behind the sequel to Ghost Rider, I think I will have to give it another shot….Sorry. Tim Rates This Movie 4/10

“Any man that’s got the guts to sell his soul for love has got the power to change the world.”

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