Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
The town of Silent Hill is like any other small berg in America: a regal main street, family owned businesses and a portal to a hellish alternate dimension that opens every night. Oh, and don’t forget that constant fog and falling ash that we all love about our small towns. Young Heather was born is this awful place, but was taken away by her father Harry (Sean Bean); and ever since then she has been having nightmare about the town wanting her back… which it does. So far, moving from town to town and changing their names has kept the townspeople from tracking them down, but that is all about to change now that her new boyfriend (Kit Harrington) is revealed to actually be from Silent Hill.
Although he swears that he only wants to help Heather, her new beau has unwittingly gotten her father captured by the townsfolk in an effort to lure her back to Silent Hill. Of course their plan works, as she travels back to Hellville to find her daddy. As night falls, the buildings seem to crumble and rot before her eyes as the monsters and whatnot come out to wreak havoc. She encounters horrific creatures that would enjoying nothing more than to eat her or chop her into bits, and must escape them and find her dad before the town takes her back.
Alex’s Thoughts: I have never played any of the Silent Hill games or seen the first movie, and would therefore not consider myself to be a fan of the series, but that didn’t keep me from enjoying this one. I was in the mood for a horror flick and found this on Netflix, and expected to be disappointed, but for once I was surprised. It isn’t great or anything, but the effects are good and most of the creatures are all practical make-up, which I appreciate. It also helped that I am a huge Game of Thrones fan, so having Eddard Stark and Jon Snow on the screen together in something else was fun for me. And yes, Sean Bean dies a horrific death, although it is only in a dream, but he keeps he streak of dying in his roles alive (pun intended). Fans of the series seem to have different opinions on this movie, but as a casual viewer and fan or the horror genre, I would recommend it, as it is something different from all the haunting and possession flicks that have been forced on us lately. Alex Rates This Movie 7.5/10
View the IMDB entry for this movie here,
Return to Horror High (1987)
Several years back, Crippen High School was the scene of a grisly mass murder. A scumbag B-movie producer wants to capitalize on the somewhat still fresh story by shooting a horror movie in that same high school, even though the murderer has yet to be captured. If you don’t spend the majority of your day drooling into a bucket, you can probably see where this is going: people are going to die. The police detectives at the scene of this brand new new crime scene, along with the few survivors of the attack help to narrate the story; which goes a little something like this: The actors and crew begin getting killed off one-by-one, but their disappearance doesn’t raise much of an alarm, as low budget movie employees apparently go missing all the time. Also, this new movie used so much fake blood and fake body parts that it didn’t seem abnormal for whole rooms to be covered in gore and viscera, so that didn’t to trigger any alarms either.
80’s movie stereotypes continue to be killed at an alarming rate, with the cheesy one-lines and obligatory ditsy girls’ exposed breasts filling in the parts between the murders. It progresses pretty much down a set of rails ending up exactly how you would expect a real life low budget 80’s horror movie to end. Also of note; it’s George Clooney’s first movie, and he is the first to die, so if this teaches us anything it’s this: be the first one to die in a crappy horror flick and you might end up a millionaire! Or maybe you might be prostituting yourself for meth like that chick from Critters! Either way it’s a win win!
Alex’s Thoughts: This was one of those I always wanted to see because that skeleton cheerleader on the VHS box looked so cool every time I went to the video store as a kid. I sort of knew what to expect (low budget 80’s gore flick), and I shouldn’t have expected anything out of this, but there was a skeleton cheerleader on the box for crying out loud! Come on man! Is that too much to ask for? All I got were lame murder scenes, often just shown in silhouette, and actresses in their mid-to-late 30’s trying to pull off high school students. It was just a whole pile of sad really. I liked how the story was presented, but the acting wasn’t there and the overall story fell flat. This is one to avoid, unless they remake it with skeleton cheerleaders! Alex Rates This Movie 3/10
View The IMDB Entry For This Movie Here
My Awkward Sexual Adventure (2012)
Mild-mannered account, and general schmuck, Jordan is just about as boring as a person can be. He takes crap from his co-workers and his bitch of a girlfriend, who falls asleep every time they have sex. Jordan has been in love with Rachel since third grade, and she’s finally given him a chance, but he is way too boring and average for a wildcat like her. She breaks up with him as he is proposing right before their vacation to the big city of Montreal. Jordan just thinks they need some time apart and waits for her to join him on his trip. Of course she doesn’t show, and he goes to drown his sorrows at the local gentleman’s club, where he befriends a kindly stripper named Julia.
Julia is in a bit of a bind herself; she’s broke and wants to quit grinding on strangers, and open a restaurant. Jordan offers her help with her finances in exchange for sex lessons, so he can win back Rachel. Things progress awkwardly as you would imagine, and as befits a romantic comedy, the two opposites begin to have feeling for each other. Once successfully trained in the art of making whoopee, Jordan goes back to Rachel, who has been slutting it up big time while he was away, but has also been missing him. She agrees to marry him and all seems to be going well, until Jordan realizes that he really loves Julia, and he returns to her in typical movie-like fashion.
Alex’s Thoughts: Although you know exactly what’s going to happen 10 minutes in, and this storyline has been done many times before, this movie was still able to keep my attention. The acting was unexpectedly good, and I really found myself pulling for old Jordan… the lovable putz that he is. There wasn’t anything mind-blowing or that original with this; it’s just a fun movie that doesn’t require too much thought, and you can just sit back with a date and enjoy. There is something for both the guys and gals in this flick, and I think most people would enjoy it. Alex Rates This Movie 7/10
View The IMDB Entry for This Movie Here