Return to Horror High (1987)
Several years back, Crippen High School was the scene of a grisly mass murder. A scumbag B-movie producer wants to capitalize on the somewhat still fresh story by shooting a horror movie in that same high school, even though the murderer has yet to be captured. If you don’t spend the majority of your day drooling into a bucket, you can probably see where this is going: people are going to die. The police detectives at the scene of this brand new new crime scene, along with the few survivors of the attack help to narrate the story; which goes a little something like this: The actors and crew begin getting killed off one-by-one, but their disappearance doesn’t raise much of an alarm, as low budget movie employees apparently go missing all the time. Also, this new movie used so much fake blood and fake body parts that it didn’t seem abnormal for whole rooms to be covered in gore and viscera, so that didn’t to trigger any alarms either.
80’s movie stereotypes continue to be killed at an alarming rate, with the cheesy one-lines and obligatory ditsy girls’ exposed breasts filling in the parts between the murders. It progresses pretty much down a set of rails ending up exactly how you would expect a real life low budget 80’s horror movie to end. Also of note; it’s George Clooney’s first movie, and he is the first to die, so if this teaches us anything it’s this: be the first one to die in a crappy horror flick and you might end up a millionaire! Or maybe you might be prostituting yourself for meth like that chick from Critters! Either way it’s a win win!
Alex’s Thoughts: This was one of those I always wanted to see because that skeleton cheerleader on the VHS box looked so cool every time I went to the video store as a kid. I sort of knew what to expect (low budget 80’s gore flick), and I shouldn’t have expected anything out of this, but there was a skeleton cheerleader on the box for crying out loud! Come on man! Is that too much to ask for? All I got were lame murder scenes, often just shown in silhouette, and actresses in their mid-to-late 30’s trying to pull off high school students. It was just a whole pile of sad really. I liked how the story was presented, but the acting wasn’t there and the overall story fell flat. This is one to avoid, unless they remake it with skeleton cheerleaders! Alex Rates This Movie 3/10