976-EVIL (1988)

The 1980’s were a tough time to grow up being a total spaz.  Hoax is growing up in the way cooler shadow of his bad-ass biker cousin, Spike. Hoax is a dweeb who is bullied by everyone from the feathered hair, crank snorting punks at school, to his Jesus freak mother.  He spends his time alone trying to be besties with is cuz while Spike gambles away his inheritance and bangs Madonna wanna-bes.  While reading a hot rod magazine, an insert falls out for 976-EVIL, a phone line where you can get your daily ‘horrorscope’. To Spike’s surprise, it tells him exactly what he wants to hear.  This goes on for a while and he is on top of the dirt bag world.  Hoax finds the card at Spike’s while stealing his girlfriend’s undies.  He dials the number and it tells him that that girl should be his.

After a somewhat successful date, the bullies catch up with them and embarrass Hoax and show the chick her panties that she gave to some other dude earlier in the night.  Hoax takes off crying and goes home and calls the number, which tells him that he can get even with the everyone if he just does a simple ritual, which will unknowing turn him into a demon.  He does the little spell, which kills the girl, and begins turning him into a lizard monster.  As the guys at school try to mess with him, he scratches them up with his new claws as they retreat.  Meanwhile some detective is looking into the 976-EVIL number and finds that it is a line at some trashy phone sex place, but it has been disconnected for months.

Hoax has lost all sense of his humanity, and had murdered his mother and let her cats have a feast on her guts.  Spike, the detective and his guidance councilor (?) try to bring Hoax back as he opens fissures to hell in his living room, but it isn’t going well.  They are forced to knock Hoax down one of the holes in order to save themselves.

Alex’s Thoughts: This movie is full-on 80’s horror cheesy.  These types of movies were spit out by the dozens back then, and few of them were any good.  This is not one of those good ones.  You don’t sit there hating it the whole time, but when it’s done, you’re like “man, that was shit.”  Right away you wish everyone would die, so you can maybe get a cast with some talent, but that doesn’t happen.  The guy who plays Hoax was great in Fright Night, but there is too much of him here.  If you happen to like his acting chops, maybe you can look into his recent work… in the hardcore gay porn business. You can catch him in such family favorites as Latin Crotch Rockets, Butt Blazer or my mom’s favorite Mechanics Bi Day, Lube Job Bi Night.  It might be an alright movie for a horror marathon, but as a stand alone movie it is pretty bad.  Alex Rates This Movie 3/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Save this one for a beer fueled night with your friends, because as a stand alone, it’s pretty rough. I saw this as a kid, and other than the box cover (for some reason they always stick with me) this  movie is pretty forgettable. Unless you are looking for a laugh, or want to punish yourself with sub-par horror, skip it. Tim Rates This Movie:3/10

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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