Jennifer’s Body (2009)

I’m sure every small town has one: the village slut; and in rural Devil’s Kettle, MN that honorable distinction goes to Jennifer (Megan Fox).  She’s like the town’s doorknob – everyone’s had a turn.  Which is weird that her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried), is the polar opposite.  While not above letting her high school sweetheart give it a go, she is just an average, albeit nerdy, teenage girl.  One night the pair go to the only bar in town to see a band, actually Jennifer drags Needy to see the lead singer of said band, as she wants to nail him.  For some unexplained reason the place catches fire, and in the confusion Jennifer leaves in the band’s creepy pedo van, with poor Needy left all alone.

Needy is worried for her friend, but knows in the back of her mind that Jennifer can probably service all those dudes at once anyway. Things take a turn though, when Jen shows up at her house looking all bloodied and beaten.  She then proceeds to puke up some gross black fluid everywhere, and then goes on her merry way.  Who is going to clean that shit up? What a bitch.  The next day Jennifer acts like nothing happened when Needy confronts her about the previous evening.  Later that day, Jennifer takes a boy out into the woods where he assumes he might get lucky, but he is surprised to discover that SHE want to eat HIM, not what he had hoped.  After devouring a few more of her classmates, Jennifer decides to tell her pal what’s going down, but not before they make out for some reason.

The band whom Jen went with that night were Satanists, and were going to sacrifice her to win the devil’s favor so their shitty band could make it big.  Thinking she was a virgin, they went all stabby on her.  The problem with that was she was far from a virgin, even going as far as to say she wasn’t even a ‘backdoor virgin’ anymore. Apparently when you try and sacrifice a whore and tell Satan she is a virgin things go bad.  In this case it turned Jennifer into a demon who feeds on horny boys.  Now Jennifer wants to dine on Needy’s boyfriend, and our nerdy heroine isn’t about to let that happen!

Alex’s Thoughts:  I want to start by saying that I do not like Megan Fox.  I’m not one of those guys who think she is hot, mostly because she looks fake and she is an extremely shitty actress.  She does have the ability to look creepy in this film, as long as she isn’t speaking, but that is the limit of her talent in my opinion.  Amanda Seyfried, on the other hand, is naturally hot, and is an actual actress, and does a good job with what they gave her to do.  The movie itself wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful either.  The dialog is sometimes forced to the point where they just try to cram in all this hipster lingo, and it just sort of comes off as desperate and wordy.  It reminded me a lot of the dialogue from Heathers, except that movie is really good.  It’s probably a good movie to watch once, but I made the mistake of seeing it a second time, and I analyzed it too much and made me not like it as well as I did on the first viewing.  It’s probably just one of those flicks where you watch it, have fun with it and then forget about it.  Alex Rates This Movie 6.5/10

Tim’s Thoughts: It is possible to make great horror/action movies with strong female leads, where they start off seemingly weak or timid, and then make the transition into ultimate badass. For examples of this see Mrs. Weaver in any Alien movie, and Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. Jennifer’s Body not only fails at this, (all the female characters come off as bitchy and overly verbose), but it’s also insulting to men, as we are all portrayed as either morons, or food (mostly both.) Main problem number 2, is if it’s a horror comedy, make it funny. If you want a straight up horror movie, then establish some rules as far as your monster goes, and don’t rely on a small town library to have not only 20 bo0ks on Satanic rituals, but also have the word for word description of what you are going through. Ugh, I admit I don’t like Diablo Cody, but this just reinforces everything I have felt about her. This is a lazy movie relying on trope after trope, and if you want to use a succubus then actually make the sex important to the killing, and not just do it because you cast Megan Fox. I not only hate this movie, but I am insulted by it. I felt like I was talked down to by a wannabe Tarantino for an hour and forty seven minutes. Yes, I checked. I haven’t seen Juno yet, but this does not give me hope. Oh wait, I guess I am just  a man, and  all I can think about is my penis, so what do I know? Tim Rates This Movie 0/10

“PMS isn’t real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we’re crazy.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue