Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Jack (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil (Ed Begley Jr.) are reporters for a crappy tabloid newspaper.  The editor of the paper has received a video showing what is allegedly Frankenstein’s monster on the loose in Transylvania, the two guys either come back with a story or they can go pound the pavement.  Upon arriving in a quaint Easter European village, they meet the mayor and Jack meets an American woman who he plans to bang at some point on his trip.  Gil discretely asks a local about information on the monster and the man erupts with laughter, and soon everyone is pointing and laughing at this American clown who believes in monsters.  They arrive at their former castle of a hotel and are greeted by the extremely odd bellman (Michael Richards), and realize that he isn’t the only crazy person on staff: the hotel is owned by the mayor and he is followed around by his butler, Radu, who is in turn followed around by his crazy wife (Carol Kane).

They explore the town a bit, and meet a gypsy who tells them where they can find a werewolf. That night they find the man she was talking about stripping off his clothes in the woods.  The following him to a bush with grunting sounds coming from it, but it is just a guy porking his girlfriend in the shrubbery.  That night Gil feels like he is being watched in his room, mostly because he is; by the chesty vampire Odette (Geena Davis).  The next morning he sees her again and avoids being raped by the sexy vampire for some reason, and goes running to find Jack, who is pursuing his own lusty desires.  After some additional torment and warnings from the townspeople, they uncover records about a doctor who lost his license doing strange experiments.  They go in search of this man, but are stopped by the police.

While out in the woods thinking about their next move, Jack & Gil try to help Jack’s lady friend find her missing kid.  They do end up finding something, but it’s just a huge ugly dude with big shoes and bolts in his neck.  As they flee in different directions all hell starts to break loose as the wolfman makes an appearance and grabs Gil and takes him back to the castle.  As he lies there unconcise, we see that everyone at the hotel is working for the strange doctor, who also has Odette and a mummy in his lab.  Jack has been arrested for talking crazy about monsters, but escapes and finds the lab and his friend.  Meanwhile the monster has found the missing girl and has taken her to town to find her mom.  The doctor isn’t such a bad guy after all and takes his group of weirdos to try to save the monster before the villagers kill him.  They pull up just as the monster is about to be burned.  The doctor tells them that isn’t a monster, it is a villager whose life he saved thanks to a surgery he couldn’t afford.  The wolfman is just a hairy guy, but the doc is giving him electrolysis. The mummy is unwrapped to reveal a hot chick, who the townsfolk banished for being too ugly.  The vampire isn’t a vampire at all, just a girl who needs attention.  The townspeople are alright with this and they all party together.

Alex’s Thoughts:  This is supposed to be a slip-stick comedy, but doesn’t pull it off very well, but it’s adequate and will get a few laughs out of you here and their.  Jeff Goldblum’s dry humor saves this from being a bad movie, but just barely.  The rest of the cast does their part, but nothing great, Michael Richards is just Kramer with an accent and Begley does his best but seems lost most of the time.  Carol Kane is probably the best supporting actor, but her screen time and lines are pretty limited.  They had to shoot this movie in only 30 days, so everything seems a bit rushed, and rightfully so, that isn’t a lot of time to make a movie and make it decent.  Again I think they did what they could with what they had.  This isn’t a standout 80’s movie, but it is worth a watch with a group of friends.  Also Geena Davis is super hot in this flick! Alex Rates This Movie 6.500/10

Tim’s Thoughts:I was surprised for two reasons. 1. I always thought I had seen this movie, turns out I haven’t. 2. I ended up really liking this, I assumed it was going to be awful, but unlike Alex, the slapstick works for me. They decided early on what kind of movie they wanted to make and they stuck to it. I think it would be funnier if Mel Brooks directed it, and it seems to do it’s best to imitate his style. Yes this movie is stupid, and it’s goofiness is over the top, but with that in mind I really had fun with this. Carol Kane is hilarious and Alex is right, she needed more screen time, but I love everyone in this cast and had a lot of fun watching this. Did we mention Geena Davis is hot? Tim Rates This Movie 8/10

Let’s take off those silly teeth.”… “But I’m a vampire… blah.”… “No you’re not.” ..”I know.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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