Cemetery Man (1994)

Life is probably pretty difficult as a manager of a typical cemetery.  For Dellamorte (Rupert Everett), it’s most likely worse, as the recently buried at his cemetery rise from their graves a few days later for no discernible reason.  He is content with just whacking them on the dome with a shovel or putting a bullet in their head; it isn’t a big deal… except for the pay, which doesn’t take this extra work into account. He is a simple man, so for all he knows this might happen at every cemetery, so he keeps on working burying the dead, then re-burying them once he and his Curly-looking mongoloid assistant, Gnaghi,  finish them off for good.

His life suddenly changes for the better when he sees a hottie mourning over the grave or her recently deceased sugar-daddy.  He sees her again a few days later and they engage in a little make-out session in a crypt, which leads to some boning on her hubby’s grave.  All is well until her husband’s zombified corpse climbs out of the ground and bites her.  She dies, and Dellamorte is forced to shoot her in the head to keep her from coming back (but he only nicks her). She does climb out of her grave and they get it on again ‘zombie style’, but after a while she gets the munchies and starts to snack on his flesh, and the assistant has to put her down to save his only friend.  After that things get even freakier… as the assistant finds a love of his own in the form of a decapitated head, whom he plans to marry as soon as he get’s the girl’s parent’s blessing. Dellamorte begins getting messages from Death himself, telling him not to kill the dead, but to kill the living.  He goes on a rampage filled with murder and the frequent porking of girls who look like his lost love.  They both soon learn that there is no escaping this life, and are ment to keep doing what they’ve been doing all along – make sure the dead stay that way.

Alex’s Thoughts:  Holy Jeez, this movie is crazy.  It is a good old fashion special effects driven movie in the spirit of Evil Dead: nothing great, but the make-up gets the point across.  There were a lot of funny gags such as the girl’s severed head and a troop of zombie boy scouts, as well as some insane murderous parts as well, like banging a hooker and then burning her alive instead of paying her.  It was an entertaining movie, but I didn’t love it as much as some horror fans do, but there is a lot more I liked about it than disliked.  If you enjoy the Evil Dead movies, Dead Alive or the Return of the Living Dead franchise you will probably want to see this.  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts:I don’t know how I feel about this movie. The mix of horror and comedy is well done, but the bizarre symbolic ending throws me for a loop. I feel like that kind of ending is better suited for a Lucio Fulci, or Dario Argento movie, less humor and more mood. Even a few more clues would have been nice, despite my gripes there are a lot of great things about this movie, and the fact that they don’t really explain why seemingly everyone buried in the cemetery come back (except for the Italian words written over the gate imply it.) The director seems to want to emulate the great Italian horror directors but seems to actually be closer to early Sam Rami and Peter Jackson in style, and while he comes close, I don’t think they quite pull it off. I think this will be a must for Zombie buffs, and for anyone who loves horror/comedy, but I would NOT recommend this for anyone else. It’s just too weird to be mainstream, and those not interested in the genre will see this as a waste of time. Interesting stuff, too goofy to be scary, and too bizarre to be fun. Oh but his love interest is a total fox…..so that could make it worth watching, at least once….. Tim Rates This Movie 6/10 

“The Living Dead and the dying living are all the same. Cut from the same cloth. But disposing of dead people is a public service, whereas you’re in all sorts of trouble if you kill someone while they’re still alive.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue 

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