Black Christmas (2006)

Poor baby Billy.  His mother hates him because he reminds her of her husband, whom she hates with a burning passion of a thousand suns.  When Billy is 5, he witnesses his mon and her lover brutally murder his dad, and bury him under the front porch.  As they are sure that little brat will tell someone, mommy and her boyfriend lock him away in the attic.  Ten years later the poor shit is still up there locked away from the world, until mommy gets a we bit horny and bangs her captive son.  Nine months later baby Agnes is born, and now mommy has the family she always wanted, albeit an inbred one, as her boy is still locked away.  Eventually he escapes into the house on Christmas Eve, where he kills his new step-dad, makes x-mas cookies out of his mother and plucks out the eye of his sister/daughter and eats it.  That little exercise lands Billy in the nut house.  Many years later on Christmas Eve, he decides to escape and go home to be with his family…

The house he used to live in has been turned into a sorority house, filled with a bunch of chicks you could care less about.  They are systematically murdered by Billy and his sister/daughter Agnes, as this crazy family festoons their attic Christmas tree with the decesed’s organs.  Two girls get it out of the house alive and manage to make it to the hospital, but only after setting the house on fire.  Billy’s and Agnes’ bodies are brought to the morgue, but by some Christmas miracle they are still alive.  They somehow make their way through this huge building and find the girls, killing one and then lying in wait for the other.  She won’t go down so easily, as Agnes get some defibulators to the face and Billy gets tossed off a balcony on to, and then through, a large Christmas tree. 

Alex’s Thoughts: This movie is the lump of coal in your Christmas stocking you were always threatened with as a child; but instead of coal, it’s a lump of shit.  Poorly acted and nonsensical shit.  The characters have zero redeeming factors and there is absolutely no reason why you would care if any of them lived or died.  In fact, you wish death on them after out twenty-seconds of them showing up on-screen.  The original Black Christmas was decent, but this thing takes a huge crap on anything that was good about the first movie.  This is they type of movie that is pushed at guys who see Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenburg in the trailers and think maybe they will be able to see their boobs (you don’t) or something that is at least entertaining (it’s not).  Black Christmas makes me want to celebrate Kwanza instead.  Alex Rates This Movie 1/10 

“And fucking Santa Claus… This fat voyeur that watches you all year-long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

Advertisements