Deadtime Stories: Vol 1 (2011)

This anthology of three stories is introduced by Mr. Walking Dead himself, George Romero; who in his current state, appears to be right up there with The Crypt Keeper as far as scary looking movie hosts go.  So let’s begin story by story, shall we…

Valley of the Shadow – A group of explorers set out to try to find a mystical tree pod that a pharmaceutical company will pay big money for.  While exploring an area that is supposed to be the Amazon, but looks suspiciously like Northern California, they find the scrotum shaped pods; only to have most of the party killed by bloody savages.  A few survivors take a boat upstream, and decide to get out at a beach full of severed heads on sticks.  They are slaughtered, of course.  It turns out their leader just wanted to find her husband who went missing in that area 3 years ago.  Luckily for her, her head gets to be on the stick next to his.

Wet –  A young drunk loser makes his living scavenging items off of the beach near his home.  One day he finds a box made out of jade and gold, he goes to a local antique store to try to sell it, but the old sea dog there won’t buy.  He tells the man a story about how those boxes were used to hold the remains of evil mermaids, and as long as their dismembered parts were kept in separate boxes they would stay dead.  The man could care less about that shit, he wants some booze money, so he goes looking for more boxes.  He ends up finding the boxes that contain the remains of an entire mermaid; and does the exact opposite of what the old bastard says: he dumps them all out in a shallow grave on the beach.  That night the mermaid comes back to life and… hey, guess what? She is super hot and wants to give the guy a BJ. This isn’t so bad.  Oh wait… she bites off his dick and turns into a monster.  That’s pretty bad.  The old man comes over in the morning to find the other guy turned into a fish monster, but also finds the mermaid who now has legs ( She must have made a deal with a sea witch too).  She reveals to him that she is the mermaid he cut up and put into those boxes many years ago, and now it’s time for some sweet revenge!

Housecall – A terrified mother calls a doctor in the middle of the night worried about her son.  The doctor comes-a-callin’ and the boy tells him that he was bit by something.  The doctor goes to talk with the mother who says that her boy has been drinking the blood of the neighborhood girls, and thinks that he is a vampire.  It turns out that yes. Yes he is.  And the doctors takes care of it with a well-placed stake through the heart.  But seeing her little boy being killed with a piece of wood isn’t the worse thing that is going to happen to the mother tonight, come to find out that the doctor is a vamp too; and didn’t take too kindly to someone eating all of his food.

Alex’s Thoughts: The first story is chalked full of terrible acting and editing so bad, it’s almost impossible to figure out what’s going on.  Throw in a bunch of meaningless flashback and you get the dumpster fire that this thing really is.  I kind of enjoyed the second story, parts were kind of cheesy and the ending wasn’t great, but it was the best of the three by far.  The final story had a nice twist to it, and was alright.  All in all this wasn’t great, but if you exclude the first short it is very watchable at just a bit over an hour.  Romero must have needed some quick cash for a new pair of his telescopic lens glasses, otherwise I can’t figure out why he would put his name on something like this.  Alex Rates This Movie 4/10

Tim’s Thoughts: It’s sad, really sad. George Romero has either gotten too complacent, or maybe just lazy. He hasn’t made anything good in years, and this just adds proof the to case against him. I didn’t like any of the stories, and the first one was the worst by far. I don’t think I liked any of this, and the “low budget” excuse is now bullshit thanks to amazing movies like Paranormal Activity. You can make quality, if you want, and apparently these guys had no interest in that. Tim Rates This Movie 2/10

“I recognized the taste of your son’s foul and miserable blood immediately.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue