Super Mario Brothers (1993)

Two plumbers(our heroes) are down and out and about to lose everything.  One day Luigi, the dumb brother, meets a paleontologist named Daisy, and they fall for each other.  Mario, the not too smart other brother, wants Luigi to focus on his plumbing, instead of his other plumbing (you know what we’re saying?).  Daisy calls Luigi in a panic because her work site is being flooded.  As they all go down there, they are suddenly transported to a parallel dimension where (get this) dinosaurs never became extinct, and evolved into human shaped and human appearing creatures.  The leader of these creatures, King Koopa (Dennis Hopper), wants to get a fragment of meteor that Daisy has in order to merge the two dimensions together and turn all the humans back into monkeys.  Oh, and Daisy is really from this dimension, and is a princess; but her father the king has been turned into a giant fungus.  It is 100% as confusing and retarded as it sounds.  It is up the Mario brothers to keep this fragment out of Koopa’s hands to save Daisy and their world.  Throw in some minor characters (pretty much in name only) like Toad and Yoshi and you have the perfect fan pleasing movie, right?  See below for the obvious answers to that my friends.

Alex’s Thoughts:  For those of you not old enough to remember the very early nineties, Mario was a fricking gold mine.  Slap his Wop Dago face on something and it would sell like hotcakes. So someone decided that if they made a Mario movie, it would make tons of cash, but probably not be very good.  They were right on both counts.   John Leguizamo would wind up being a pretty good actor, but I’m sure he would love to forget this.  And while Bob Hoskins is in two of my favorite movies (Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Hook), he just should have read to script and said ‘I pass’ when people get turned into monkeys or mushrooms.  I think I’d rather watch two hours of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show that this turd.  I remember going on a class trip to the movie theatre in middle school.  We could either see this, or the Whoopie Goldberg/ Ted Danson mess that was Made in America; and at 14 I knew Super Mario Brother was a bad idea, and to this day I’m not sorry that I saw that other movie instead.   Alex Rates This Movie 3/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I was so confused, I thought this was a Mario Brothers movie. I really think that this script was written, but the names and occupations of the leads were left out, and then they decided that the only way it would be made was if they slapped the “Mario” franchise tag on it.  Seriously, I was watching this movie just scratching my head, waiting for anything “Mario” related to start happening, but it really couldn’t be farther from the video game in mood, tone, or story. Not sure what they were trying to accomplish, but it really is a colossal waste  of talent/time, and thankfully this has faded into obscurity, and after you are done reading our reviews, you should let this slip back out of your memory. Tim Rates This: 2/10 

“I’m Larry Lazard, of “Lazard, Lazard, Conda, Dactyl, & Cohen”.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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