Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) w/ Guest Reviewer Jon Kulczar

Just so you know, this movies is about killing vampires that are also lesbians, not lesbians killing vampires.  We don’t want to confuse anyone out there.

After being dumped by his girlfriend for the seventh time, Jimmy decides he needs to go on a vacation. So he and his horny fat friend Fletch throw a dart at a map of Great Britain and decide to go wherever the dart lands.  Their destination: the sleepy village of Cragwich, which unbeknownst to them has had a curse placed upon it by a vampire queen.  On their 18th birthday, every girl in the village will turn into a vampire… and also a lesbian for some reason.  Jimmy and Fletch arrive at the local pub just in time to see a group of busty college girls speed off in a van.  The barkeep tells the guys there is a cottage they can stay at free of charge, and then sets them up with some free beer and sends them on their way; they are excited at this prospect as the girls have been sent there as well so they are sure they will get some trim.  The girls are happy to see these two shlubby guys for some reason, and they party it up for a while.  Jimmy and another girl hit it off but not before half of the girls are turned into blood (and clam) sucking monsters.  It is up to the survivors and a crazy ass priest to save the world and end the town’s curse.

Alex’s Thoughts:  While this movie obviously meant to cash in by being a Shaun of the Dead rip-off  (it has the same goofy premise as Shaun; a recently dumped socially awkward guy and his fat friend fight monsters), it can stand on its own two feet.  I enjoyed the comic book style presentation of this movie, and it is obvious that it takes some of that from Sin City and Watchmen; but it works here.  The story and acting aren’t anything special, but it did get a few laughs out of me here and there.  I think it is worth a watch for fans of horror comedies.  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: It’s already been said, but this is such a Shaun of the Dead rip. That being said, it has some really funny parts, and “Fletch” is really funny. So if you need a fix, and want some gratuitous TnA , I guess this will do, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t point out how annoyed I was with the excessive camera tricks, Edgar Wright does it just enough, maximizing the story. Movies like this take it too far, almost like they aren’t confident in their ability to make a movie capable of holding your attention, and this one doesn’t need it. It’s good enough without it. That being said, this was way better than I thought it would be, and I would definitely recommend it to the right people. Tim Rates This Movie 7/10

Jon’s Thoughts:  I was trying to remember how exactly I ran across the trailer for this gem of a movie and I’d hafta say it was before Zombie Strippers (another fabulous one in my opinion). Anyways, my first thought when I saw the trailer for Lesbo here was “huh- it’s got vampires and will probably make for good masturbating material I’ll hafta check it out when it gets released.” Little did I know, what I was in store for.  From one of the opening lines “He lopped her fucking head off” I knew I was hooked.  I’ve told many folks about this movie and lent my dvd out to many others.  This is a fucking… riot ass of a movie.  It reminds me a lot of Shaun of the Dead 2 unlucky losers, one skinny and one fat, stumbling through life and then… undead attack!  The characters of Jimmy and Fletch are pure awesome.  I related to them easily and cheered for them the whole way through their vampire killing.  And the vampires? They are most definitely of the hot and sexy lesbian type.  If I met the creators of this beauty I’d so buy them beers… and then beg them to do a follow-up. There’s also fun spins on the vampire myth that had me shaking my head because their portrayal was brilliant. I think though… the key to this movie is James Corden (Fletch). From his “clown problems” to his encounters with a jailbait vampire, he easily steals the show as he is a laugh a minute.  I know it’s a good movie when I have to pause it because I am laughing so hard and when it ended I wanted more.  In fact when I first got the dvd in the mail I watched it about 3 times in 2 days!  All in all I love this movie as much as a malnourished child loves a cheeseburger.  I will continue recommending it to everyone I know and it’ll always be on my easy access dvd shelf.  Jon Rates This Movie 10/10

“The evil curse would turn the young girls into vampires, and make them lust for vag’in.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue