Ax ‘Em (2002)

We discovered this film after reading Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies: A Film Critic’s Year-Long Quest to Find the Worst Movie Ever Made by Michael Adams.  This guy watched a God awful movie every day for an entire year.  The poor bastard sat through 365+ movies rated lowest on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, and Ax ‘Em was the worst movie out of all of the worst movies.  Think about it… remember every terrible and horrible movie you have ever seen, and know that they were better than this steaming pile by leaps and bounds.

Disclaimer: The sound quality is so awful, that it’s nearly impossible to understand what’s going on. A group of childhood friends decide after stompin’ the yard, that they want to escape for a weekend getaway.  So these college kids go out to this house in the woods, and sneak off to have sex etc, well this is we think is happening, as we can’t really hear the dialogue. This flannel wearing killer/zombie keeps showing up every once in a while to kill somebody, and everyone else just runs around screaming and looking into the camera, (at times putting their face so close to the camera to scream that you can’t see anything else.) Somewhere they find an oversized revolver and start shooting randomly, occasionally hitting the bad guy.  It’s tough to tell what’s happening because every time the killer shows up, everyone yells “Oh SHIT” and flips out. They shoot him or something and then he appeards to be dead for good, but by the time this happens your brain has turned to mush and has begun to leak from your ears. (A title card showing that this was dedicated to the director’s grandmother appears before the credits begin to roll ,as profanity laced gangster rap plays in the background.  I’m sure watching this shit would have killed Nana even in those stray drive-by bullets didn’t.)

Alex’s Thoughts:  I’m not sure what was worse; the video which looks like it was shot with a stolen security camera from a 7-11, or the audio which either has so much background noise you can’t hear the dialog or when the camera mike is so far away from the ‘actors’ the mike doesn’t pick up a single sound.  Either one of those make this movie impossible to watch.  You can’t really blame the people who made it, they were just having a good time and didn’t know what they hell they were doing.  The blame for this being out in public falls on whatever asshole that thought this would make a good DVD release 10 years after it was made, when no one even wanted to see it then.  From the opening title cards full of punctuation and grammatical errors, to the cast that look like rejected extras from A Different World, this thing is total crap from top to shit-filled bottom.  Avoid this like it was made out of AIDS.  Alex Rates This Movie 0/10

Tim’s Thoughts: The first 5 minutes of this movie were hilarious, then I wanted to gouge my eyes out, and stuff them into my ears so I wouldn’t have to hear the muffled dialogue anymore. To make matters worse this movie perpetuates so many stereotypes it stopped being funny, and just started being sad.  Tim Rates This Movie 0/10

“That’s just like you white people… always having to go investigate.  Who do you think you are, Inspector Gadget?”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue.