The Ice Pirates (1984)

Plot Summary:  It is the distant future, or maybe a long long time ago, the galaxy has run dry, and whomever has the water has the wealth.  Our group of rag-tag pirates, led by the suave yet dorky Jason (Robert Urich), make their living stealing ice and selling it to the thirsty.  While on a thieving trip, Jason finds a princess on board one of the ice ships, and decides that he should probably steal her too.  The group is caught and Jason is sent to be castrated and become a slave; just before his business is removed, he is saved by the princess and they join forces to find her missing father who was searching for the water-rich planet called the Seventh World.  After several run-ins with Templar Space Knights, aliens, bounty hunters, barnyard animals and space herpes they are on their way to find the lost planet; when they are attacked by more Templars.  If this movie wasn’t already batshit crazy enough, their two ships get stuck in a time warp causing everyone to age a year every minute while the pirates and Templars fight.  Just when all seems lost and the geriatric crew is about to be over-run by evil robots, Jason’s son shows up and saves the day.  He knocked up the princess about a half hour ago, so his 30-year-old (30 minute old) kid knows how to wise-crack and fight robots already.  Oh, and Bruce Vilanch is some kind of ruler over Amazonian chicks, but he doesn’t have a body, he is just a head but he ends up getting a robot body so it’s all good.

Alex’s Thoughts: What the fuccckkkk is this shit?  I spent an hour and a half in a complete and utter stupor, not being able to comprehend what I was watching.  This is just the oddest thing I’ve seen in quite a while – they have spaceships, but they use swords – they have robots, but they are virtually retarded – and Ron Pearlman can’t decide if his character is gay or not.  I had to watch this thing over the course of about six viewings, because I could only take so much at a time.  The time warp jumping around at the end make me want to vomit, but I think I kind of liked it.  At the end of the day, it’s just a crappy Star Wars & Buck Rodgers rip-off, but it is pretty entertaining.  Alex Rates This Movie 6/10

Tim’s Thoughts: This movie is so bad, and weird that it has a bizarre appeal. It’s campy and the effects are terrible, but somehow this cast has a chemistry that keeps the movie watchable. The space herpes was completely random and obviously put in to set up some jokes, but otherwise completely unnecessary, but that is consistent with the rest of the movie, unnecessary. Despite all that it’s funny at times, and you find yourself watching just to see what kind of stupid crap they are going to pull of next.  Tim Rates This Movie 7/10

“I hope no one minds but I have no intention of facing this sober.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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