Time Bandits

Release Date: 11/6/1981 – Rated PG

Starring: Sean Connery (The Rock), John Cleese (A Fish Called Wanda)

Plot Summary: A group of midget robbers end up transported to a room with an imaginative young boy named Kevin.  The midgets have stolen a map which shows the location of time portals which will take them anywhere in history.  With Kevin in tow as their captive they go to the late 18th century to steal Napoleon’s riches, only to have that stolen by Robin Hood in another time.  From there they jump throughout history, from ancient Greece to the Titanic, and from there to strange mystical lands inhabited by Giants, Ogres and Mona from Who’s the Boss.  They end up battling an evil sorcerer for control of the map, with the help of things thing they bring back through the time portals; including tanks, spaceships, knights and cowboys.  All of these things fail, and just as they are about to die, the maps owner (God) shows up and smacks the wizard down.

Here are some of the awful things that happen to poor Kevin throughout the movie:

– His mother and father obviously hate him.

– He is taken from his home against his will by a pack of angry midgets who plan on robbing Napoleon, thus making his an accessory to grand theft.

– After saving the life of King Agamemnon (Sean Connery), the two become close and he adopts Kevin and makes him heir to his kingdom.  Kevin is so happy that someone cares for him… but again, the midgets snatch him away and take him with them through time.

– He is chased around by a bunch of creatures that look like Ring Wraiths, but with cow skulls on their heads that shoot roman candles out of their eyes.

– Kevin watches on as a boulder crushes one of the midgets.

– He meets God, but God pretty much tells Kevin that his an asshole of a kid.

– His house burns to the ground, and his parents explode right in front of his eyes, leaving him a homeless orphan.

Alex’s Thoughts:  I know I watched this as a kid, but don’t remember too much about it; and that was probably because I blocked it from my memory as this is the most horrific thing ever.  If you sat any kid under the ago of 10 down to watch this, you’d be cleaning up tears and urine for the next week, it’s that’s bad.  From midgets beating on a small child, to eating rats to a scene where a dog explodes, there aren’t many times where you feel comfortable watching this.  Not that it is a bad movie, it is just so strange and clearly should not have been rated PG.

Tim’s Thoughts: This is a movie that can NEVER be remade. It’s dark, hilarious, and just so damn strange. I love this movie, from the doomed lovers played by Micheal Palin and Shelly Duvall, to the cameos by John Cleese, and Sean Connery, this film is one of a kind. Too strange for the casual viewing, I think you have to be ready for what you are getting into, otherwise the strangeness can put you off from the start. Personally I love it, but don’t expect everyone to feel the same way, so if you like Pythonesque humor, or are a Terry Giliam completest, then this should be a sure thing. Otherwise give it a chance, but be ready for a strange ride.

Final Thoughts: Good, but not for everyone. Lots of historical humor and acid trip logic make this a fun offbeat film. So if you are up for it, give it a shot.

Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim Rates This Movie 9/10

“God isn’t interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!”

View the IMDb entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue