Puppet Master VS Demonic Toys (review requested by reader Mark Honer)

Release Date:  12/18/2004 – Rated PG-13

Starring: Corey Feldman (The Goonies), Vanessa Angel (Kingpin)

Plot Summary:  This film builds on the stories established in the previous 8 Puppet Master movies (Holy shit!  There are eight more of these awful things?) as well as two Demonic Toys movies, and puts them together ala Freddy Versus Jason, except people wanted to see that.  This thing makes FvJ look like Kramer Versus Kramer.  It’s a truly awful movie, and we’re only doing this plot summary to keep our fingers busy so we don’t grab the nearest pointy stick and jam it in our eyeballs. So here we go… This turdfest starts out on a doll hospital (wtf?) where Robert Toulon, the latest Toulon decent to take up the Puppet Master mantel, works with his teenage daughter to whip up a fresh batch of the formula that brings the puppets to life.  As they are working on their solution. they are being spied on by Erica Sharp; the owner of a large toy company, several possessed toys and a demon worshiper.  She had some kind of deal with a hell-beast that if she delivers the Toulon’s blood he will bring all of her toys to life to kill all the children on Christmas morning (what a bitch).  Anyway the Toulons get captured and the puppets must fight Sharp’s demonic toys in a crappy CGI and toys-on-stick battle royal filled will laser beams and baby dolls who fly through the air while farting – true story. A true and awful story. 

Alex’s Thoughts:  Most bad movies have something in them that saves them from being truly awful.  Sometimes there is something funny you can laugh with your friends about or sometimes it so bad it’s good.  Not with this one, folks.  This movie is truly the bottom of the barrel, and where careers go to die.  Nothing about this is good.  I wanted so bad to like Corey Feldman in this one, but I just can’t. Sorry, but you’re awful, and you made me die a little bit inside. 

Tim’s Thoughts: Earmuff the kiddies, all done? Good, fuck this stupid piece of trash, what a waste of time and money. Not even amusing, sadly Corey Feldman looked like the only one even trying to have a good time in this, despite the really strange casting.  And what happened to Vanessa Angel? She used to be curvy and hot, now she’s stick skinny and looks like an alien. Oh this was so disappointing and frustrating in so many ways. Mark, I am coming for you, and I know where you work!!!

Final Thoughts:  Movies like this make us regret giving you readers the option to request reviews.  What did we ever do to you to make you want to hurt us like this?  This movie dulls all the senses and we are now dumber for having watched it.  There is really no reason for anyone to see this, ever. Ever. EVER.  If someone gives you the option to either watch this or chew on broken glass for 90 minutes, we know a good doctor who will help with those tongue wounds.

Alex Rates This Movie 0/10

Tim Rates This Movie 0/10

“What kind of maniacs would use human blood to wake up demons? That’s just crazy if you ask me.” (It’s all that bad)

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue