Troll 2

Release Date: 10/12/1990

WARNINGWe don’t usually do this right off the bat, but we’re doing this because we care about your safety:  the writers of Men on Film, owners of Worpress.com and your mother insist that you avoid watching this movie at all costs.  If for some reason you feel the need to view this movie, we insist that all belts, shoestrings and any sharp objects be removed from your person, as well as any poisonous liquids be safely removed from your immediate area before viewing; as you may consider taking your own life while viewing this picture.  Thank you, and on will the show.

Plot Summary: This is a movie about Goblins, NOT Trolls, that aside it starts with a creepy Grandpa reading an ugly kid a fairy tale. We soon discover that this nasty old fellow is actually dead and this mentally challenged boy is imagining things. His family is preparing to head out into the wilds of Utah for a “family exchange” to the quaint town of Nilbog, for some country living. To no one but the cast’s surprise Nilbog is a strange half deserted town, and all the residents are vegetarians, and like most annoying vegetarians they insist on you being one too. So while the family is constantly trying to eat, the ugly kid (Joshua) is trying to stop them, leading to the unintentionally funny line, “you can’t piss on hospitality!”  Grandpa keeps showing up to warn Joshua of the imminent danger, and the townsfolk keep turning into goblins (NOT trolls) and force feeding green slime and milk to anyone who stands around long enough. Turns out the goblins us this method to turn people into vegetables, (sometimes jello, sometimes trees) so they can eat them. Somehow everyone in this movie looks like they have fetal alcohol syndrome despite the strict veggy/milk diet, but I digress, Grandpa keeps popping up and eventually helping the family defeat the evil trolls..er goblins, everybody goes home. There is a “shocking twist” at the end, that you see coming a mile away, but are so grateful for the credits you don’t care. Other things I may have missed: Nilbog the town’s name is Goblin backwards, but I think the town should have been called Llort. Goblins can assume any shape, and if you do happened to be turned into a tree have no fear, chain saws only tickle when applied. Ugh, anything else I am overlooking is due to my brain shutting down to survive as I punish it trying to recall the garbage put forth onto the screen.

Alex’s Thoughts: …. I’m just speechless after viewing this.  It’s hard for me to watch a movie and not find one redeeming quality about it; I mean, something had to be good in that two-hour span, right?  Wrong.  I’m seriously trying to think of something good, and all I can come up with is the credits, because that ment this living nightmare that is Trolls 2 was over, but even then those were accompanied by a shitty soundtrack.  The wooden acting, awful dialog and effects, the musical score that sounded like a 3-year-old composed in on a Casio SK-1; it was all crap.  I cannot recommend that you even think about watching this, even with friends as a joke; because you probably will not be friends for long as this movie will ruin your lives and send you into a fit of depression from which there is no escape.

Tim’s Thoughts: I disagree with Alex, not about the acting or lack of redeeming qualities in this movie, but I think all should be forced to watch it as a test of manhood. If you survive (and aren’t sterile) then you are allowed to then become a responsible member of society. This thing is so bad, and one could almost find charm in how oblivious everyone seems to be about how bad this movie is. It still doesn’t surpass Ed Wood bad, ok to be fair it’s worse than Bride of the Monster, but it can’t touch Plan 9. Alex and I had a running discussion on the acting being so bad that you can’t even tell what emotion they are trying to emote, and the 1 community theater reject they get to actually be in the movie is sooooo hammy that she makes Babe look Kosher. I think for a bad movie night, and a lot of alcohol this could be ok….but be warned this is a major turd of a movie and almost as unwatchable as Deathbed: The Bed That Eats. Good luck, and if you do watch this please forgive us.

Final Thoughts:  Lots of people consider this to be “the best wort movie ever made”.  We don’t get it, hence the title of this review.  There is even a documentary that follows the cult following of this turd.  We sometimes feel bad for movies that are bad because a studio made the filmmakers change something or made editing decisions against the director’s will, but we don’t feel bad for this review at all.  You could say ‘well at least they tried’, hey, Hitler tried some stuff too.  Just because you try and fail doesn’t mean you should be forgiven.

Alex Rates This Movie: 0/10

Tim Rates This Movie: 10/10 (facepunches to everyone involved)

“They’re eating her… and then they’re going to eat me… OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here

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